Let’s Talk About Fart (Modified)

What Exactly Is A Fart?

The word “FART” can stand for: Frequency Actuated Rectal Tremor. Farting, also known as flatulence, is the act of passing intestinal gas from the anus. Intestinal gas comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas that seeps into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts. Burps are not farts that come out your mouth. They have to do with your stomach.1

The Sound Of Farting

The sound of a fart is caused by the vibrations of the anal opening. The sound of your fart depends on the speed of the fart leaving your body and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of your anus.2

Different Types of Fart And How They Sound!

  • The Standard Fart!
    • The Standard fart is quite simply an average every day fart suitable for most events and in the company of most everyone. It is dry in nature, but rarely exibits a bouquet that will inspire jealousy among friends or co-workers.
      It belongs to the same family as The Ripper, and often times only lacks a bit of confidence and pressure to achieve this next level. An example of the standard fart may be heard by clicking the button below.3

 

  • The Nervous Fart!
    • The Nervous Fart is only executable intentionally by farting masters, as it is normally a reaction to an unpleasant situation rather than something you can practice. You may have heard one of these at a kindergarden concert or during a company meeting where layoffs were mentioned. One of the characteristics of this fart is the high pitch at the end caused by the clamping of butt cheeks once it is heard by the nervous culprit.

 

  • The Cough-Fart Combo!
    • The Cough-Fart Combo is a premeditated activity undertaken by one trying to mask his activities. This technique is often used in the presence of women; especially those who don’t understand that farts are funny.
      Warning: The Cough-Fart Combo can be a double edged sword, especially when your timing is a bit off, or the fart lasts longer than expected!

       

  • The Wet One (A.K.A-Sticky Fart)
    • The Wet One will score you huge points with the lads. Mostly because they’re hoping you just shit yourself. The wet one is often followed by an inspection of one’s underpants for damage.The Sticky One is funny for all but the perpetrator, and usually always results in the need for some clean up.

 

  • The Power Fart!
    • This fart is very standard and dry in nature but is, as mentioned earlier, pushed out with a bit more confidence. It is usually quite well respected if it is heared by unsuspecting passers by or blown in a church or quiet place. It is especially effective when used to punctuate the last word of a boring speaker’s lecture.

 

 

  • The Ripper!
    • My personal favorite: The Ripper.
      It is strong, intense and gives you a good deal of confidence that all have enjoyed or at least experienced it. It is not only loud, and with varriable tones, but carries with it the reputation as being quite stinky. This one is ideally suited for a car journey, especially with child-lock electric windows.

The next time someone at your office lets out a “silent but deadly” emission, maybe you should thank them. A new study at the University of Exeter in England suggests that exposure to hydrogen sulfide — a.k.a. what your body produces as bacteria breaks down food, causing gas — could prevent mitochondria damage. Yep, the implication is what you’re thinking: People are taking the research to mean that smelling farts could prevent disease and even cancer.4

So the next time you’re inside the elevator and you can’t hold it, just give your best and tell them it’s good for your health.

 

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Footnotes

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